paralyzed by fear.

This is one of those things that has just been dwelling within me, and since I have the time, I figure it's finally time to let it emerge.

"Ma'am," he said, "if you don't jump, I'm going to have to ask you to step away."

This teenage lifeguard had had such patience with me, but I was chicken. All I could see was this giant inflatable pillow-like shape below me, in its yellow and blue glory, as it sat atop the man-made lake. We were at church camp, one of the girls in our youth group had begged me to jump the Blob with her, and I had finally given in. 

I stood at the top and mentally, I understood what I had to do. I had to jump from the wooden platform and land on my bum on the Blob--any other landing position could hurt me (especially on my neck or head...which another one of our girls did after me!). But physically, I didn't understand how my body could lift itself off, feet first, to land in that position. I was already mind-boggled by my own personal theory that my body doesn't float--I'm just too big and my weight would automatically cause me to sink. I'd been given a pep talk about that whole concept earlier in the day, but it wasn't all too encouraging.

And to top it all off...I really don't even know how to swim! I was wearing the life vest that was required for Blobbers to use, so I took slight comfort that it would help raise me up from the waters. But after that, I wasn't sure about how to get back to dry land.

But back to the lifeguard. This kid was top-notch. He would give me encouragement and even took the Jesus route, asking if I had faith to jump and making sure I was saved in case something bad did happen and I would go to heaven. But when he gave the final ultimatum, I took the plunge.

...And I landed and instantly rolled off the side of the Blob.

I could feel myself submerged and knew I had to do what I could to get my head above the water. I did so in a panicked manner, but then the next step--how was I going to get back to dry land? I started grabbing for anything I could to get closer to the sandy area...ropes from the Blob and then the actual base of the platform. I was so far back that the lifeguards couldn't see me and wondered where I was (not a smart move by me), but I hollered back as I pulled myself to steps that would get me to the bottom floor of the platform.

"Belinda!" my teenage persuader yelled. "Are you gonna do it again?"

"One and done," I responded. "One and done."

Looking back (it was just this past July), I'm glad I did it. I tend to be the kind of person who so desperately wants to do things, and when I don't (like not buying one of the BEAUTIFUL dresses I saw at Cato this weekend!), I wallow in regret. Sometimes, when I do take the effort, I end up overjoyed and having a new hobby, like riding roller coasters (short long story: riding the "Superman"-like ride at Worlds of Fun during my first year of RA camp).

But in those moments we choose not to take that physical or figurative leap of faith, they can come back to haunt us. 

(Haunt = appropriate word usage as Halloween approaches)

A lot of times in my own life, especially recently, my fear often leads me to silence, a paralysis of sorts. I stand there, quietly, and all the words and actions are formulating in my mind--I can see how this scenario would go, but to take that initial step...it never happens. And when the moment passes, I sit there, questioning myself and intellectually beating myself up for not doing anything.

I know this, but I shouldn't be afraid. God said that He didn't give us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). On the other end of the spectrum--same word, different meaning, I understand that the Lord fearfully and wonderfully made me (Psalm 139:14). If I could just comprehend AND apply the fact that I am a creation of the wonderful Creator and envelop myself in His power and love, then I would be okay.

And I have to remember, that sometimes, taking that step might not go as we planned. It can lead to another aspect of regret, pain, rejection or a whole other batch of fear that wasn't initially there. My own experience has shown me that as much as rejection sucks, it eventually forms you to the person that God wanted you to be--stronger, wiser and more focused/dependent on Him--and it's something He'll do in His time.

He'll also give you friends along the way to help you, encourage you and love you. My friend Brittany has been such a blessing to me as someone I can not only confide in but get Godly advice from (side note: I believe girls should be able to experience two things in life: having a gal pal who is always there to spiritually equip you...and having a good-looking guy friend [the last one's random, but oh-so true])

So if I can be an encouragement to you today, let me tell you to overcome the fear. Get over that paralyzing emotion and walk past whatever hinders you or scares you and reach for that greatness, that's part of His will and His timing. (that last part's an entirely different story and blog post...for another time)