i think i owe you an apology.

Well...it's true (the title).

I feel that I have to apologize because in my blogging expedition, I've led you to believe that my pursuit of God is easy, care-free and simple.

But it's not.

It's not all mountains and successes and achievements and words of affirmation rolled into one big bundle of greatness. Yes, that sometimes takes place in this chase after God and His will, but as the chase continues--just like in another race--fatigue, stress and fear of failure set in, leaving you with the option to bow out or persevere like it's no one's business.

As I've said time and time (and time--in case you weren't listening) and again, I believe that the reason God has me as a single twenty-something is because He wants me to take this time in life to learn. Part of that learning, I believe, is ministering within my local church.

I don't have a relationship, a marriage or a family of my own, so I believe that different ministries can take those places. Commit to one ministry over here, fill in for another ministry over there, and so on. For some reason or another God gave me talents to use for Him, so why not step up and take on the role, right?

But when I looked at my plate--my full, almost overflowing plate, it looked like there was just way too much. And unfortunately, as a news writer, I can see it in both ways. My plate's overflowing with the opportunities to be a blessing and be blessed myself...or it's just more than I can handle.

I feel that I can be a help to others whether it's in the Sunday school classroom, children's church area, Wednesday night program, kitchen, planning an event or activity, whatever. While my hope is that the volunteers I help don't see their ministries as a burden, the phrase "bear ye one another's burdens" echoes in my mind. By coming along side of them and partnering in ministry, my service helps take one thing off their list.

Right now, I feel that that whole concept isn't quite understood. Why would someone want to just help and help and stick around after each service to get everything lined up, even to the point of coming home late? is what I sense around me. The responsibility's not yours, so why are you doing it? or, I've got this taken care of and don't need help, so don't worry about it and I'll take care of it.

Okay...so what if I said no?

What if my plate was just way too full and I decided to scrape some things off? That's just a small thing to get done, so let me give it back. Or, "I'm already got something going on right now--can you hit me up when things slow down a bit?"

But as those thoughts entertain my mind...I feel like I'm doing wrong, as if the things that God wants me to take part in, I'm abandoning. Abandoning His ministry, His plans for me, His will. And that if or when I say "no," I'm saying no to Him and failing Him tremendously. He gave me the time to invest in it all, but my selfishness wants to take back that time to use for what I want.

It goes without saying that my thoughts are probably my worst enemy. As a writer, it's really all I do. Think about words, sayings, phrases and sentences. So as I struggle within myself, the thoughts invade. In my ministries, "Did I do good enough?", or the sad thought that's all crossed our minds, "What did other people think?"

"Did anyone appreciate it?"

"Did I make an impact?"

Or, when I think within the flesh..."Are they questioning how I do things?"

"Why are the things I'm doing being doubted?"

"I didn't do good today. Everything went horribly."

These, among a series of other questions, revolve like a vicious carousel in my mind. So not only is there a struggle on how you do, or what you do, but a personal struggle that takes the cake and leaves you defeated.

So again, I'm sorry if I had you thinking the Christian life is easy. It's not. There are valleys and missed opportunities and failed investments in others that make you question everything. But I can tell you that in Him, there is rest.

There is peace. 

There is love. 

Maybe today, I'm not diving fully into those beautiful attributes of the Father. But maybe today, I'm being fully candid to let you know that this race, this chase, this pursuit is something worth chasing after. When we (I) go after Him, He takes you where He wants to show you how to grow in faith and maturity, even if the journey hurts your spiritual muscles. But the final reward is with Him, and I don't think that I'd want to miss that milestone--not now, not ever.