transparency.

Lately, I've had this question burning in my mind. And as much as the social-media enthusiast within me wanted to declare it, I felt like it would be a dumb question or that the answers I would get, I wouldn't really like or that they might be judgmental.

"How candid can we get with God?"

In my literal and figurative prayer closet, I've recently come close to just baring my soul with God or asking Him these insane questions that, if asked aloud, would make people look at me in a different light, as if I'm crazy or stupid. On one end, I know that He already knows what I'm thinking, so it's not like it would be a shock to Him. But on the other hand, in my most profound and open "powwow with God", I've come to realize, about six months later, that I missed some aspects of that prayer time. Some things had yet to be considered by me (which frustrated me because I take pride in the fact that I can see almost every different vantage point to a situation), and other parts hadn't shown itself until later, and how was I to know what would happen?

So as this question continued to permeate in my mind, I wanted to know the answer. My basic, recent knowledge of all that I've known about Jesus and the Bible didn't show me an answer, and like I said, I didn't want people to be like "That's a stupid question--why would you ask that?"

But in this past week, I think God might have shown me part of that answer.

This Wednesday, we kicked off our annual missions conference. I look forward to it every year, and after the awesome year we had last year, I was pumped for this. We were having two veteran missionary couples--one of which had been with us when I was a kid--and a new missionary family. That first night, I was able to help with the music ministry (which I always love, and see my previous post to hear me sing). Also, one of the veteran couples, the Spores to Vanuatu, shared their heart. They didn't preach at us--they were just opening up as to what God was doing.

Already, I had been blessed. In the past year or so, I've found transparency to be a trait I really admire in a person...just being open and sharing, being vulnerable enough to share about yourself. So I appreciated that in this couple.

But our conference had already seen a "bump", if you will. One of our church members had fallen sick and was placed in the ICU. We as a church were concerned, but knew that God was in control of it all.

Yet, I don't think that any of us imagined that, the next night, we would gather again at the church with the realization that our dear church member had passed away.

It put a damper on the evening, and we all acknowledged it. But that night, the other veteran couple, the Rouches to Zambia, showed their video and their heart and an amazing story of an 80-something who accepted the Gospel, only to pass away four weeks later. It was a perfect picture of what missions is, what it does and its importance.

Friday night. Typically, in conferences past, it's a pretty low night in attendance. And this year was no different--overall, I felt like the attendance hadn't been stellar. I was thankful, however, that some of our teens had shown up and we all sat together. This young missionary family, the Wyatts to Japan, shared their ministry with us--their daughter sang, the mother gave a stirring testimony and the father was just completely candid with us. And we were even blessed with a surprise missionary family that joined us this night.

But if Satan had ever picked a time to start a fight, it was in this week. Attendance, the loss of a loved one, illness, a vehicle accident--what was left? (I'll tell you in a bit...) We ended that night in prayer, just meeting with God and asking Him for comfort, strength, blessings. We ourselves were able to be open and tell God our heart--it hurt, we were hurting, and we wanted to bring it all to  Him.

The missions banquet on Saturday night was a bit low in folks (but PLENTY with food--I openly confess that I committed gluttony), but the words from the six adults were awesome. They were funny, serious, deep. We came to find out that after two years, this man in Japan named MJ still needs to accept Christ, a man in his 50s answered the call to ministry, and that it's never too late to follow God's will. This continual sharing of themselves--telling complete strangers about their lives and what's going on and how God is using them to further His cause...it was as if the front of having this put-together, professional missions conference (like we've had in years past) had been thrown out the window...and I LOVED it.

I woke up, anxious, on Sunday morning. Missions Sunday. When we all gather to make our Faith Promise commitment. And after last year's astonishing pledge, I had been wondering if we could match that or exceed it this coming year. I was also nervous because I was singing a song that was pretty upbeat and heavy on the electric guitar--a bit out of my (and the church's) comfort zone.

So when the front door was opened and the image of white--snow, ice and the falling of sleet--met my view, I was floored.

Yes, another obstacle had come into play. (I told you...) The weather. It would lead to us just having one service with about 50 people. But in an effort to let us know He hadn't forgotten us, we were blessed with some visitors--one of which was an amazing story, a God-wink. The guest was staying at the same hotel as our missionaries--in fact, he was staying two doors down from one of the couples, he stepped out of his room at the same time of one of our missionaries, and they conversed and enjoyed breakfast. Come to find out, the missionary knew the father of the guest! (hashtag: it's a small world)

I sang my song--which led to my first-ever microphone swap in the middle of the song, and it was awesome seeing some folks in pure worship. I LOVED it! And because of the shift of the service, each missionary pastor was able to speak with us, just one more time. I thought they had been open with us the entire week, but wow...it was like each of them talked to us as if it was a one-on-one conversation. I was blessed beyond measure--my heart had been ministered to in such a great way.

We were able to fellowship one last time with our missionaries in an impromptu lunch in the Family Center. I just had to let these folks know--I had enjoyed having them with us this week. But for that high I was experiencing, a lot of us left the church to head to the funeral home, to gather to celebrate the life of our dear church member.

And after all that, a realization that we were finally able to acknowledge--it was Super Bowl Sunday, and some of us met to watch the game. (It was also Groundhog Day, but that kind of came and went, and THEN, in a most shocking, saddening, head-shaking-in-disbelief revelation...Phillip Seymour Hoffman died--a very underrated actor, in my opinion.)

To keep in line with this post's theme, transparency, I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't tell you about me, that I  hate the way that Satan attacks. He knows my weakness, and somehow he managed to totally overwhelm my thoughts and emotions last night. How loneliness can creep in, in the midst of community; how anger can infiltrate when things had been going okay; how sheer wonder of "how and why is this happening or not happening?" can meet you face to face when the lie of "do this, and then this will happen" keeps coming to mind.

Will I be completely transparent? No. I've come to realize that my blog, while I do share quite a bit about myself, should only reveal so much. It's the post that I'll never write but will always consider writing, "My Blog is My Boyfriend" (because I don't have an actual person to share things with like the way a girl would with her boyfriend). And that's where best friends come into play, to be completely honest and tell her, "hey, this is what's going on. what do i do and how can i fix it?"and she'll be upfront with you and tell you that you can't fix it all, but here's a few things that might help.

And then there's the answer to my question...

I can be as candid as I want with God, but it's a matter of forgoing what I fear and just being open.

Laying aside the stupidity and admitting that your desires can taunt themselves in front of you and it's something you'll have to overcome.

By admitting that what you want, while it might be a good thing in and of itself, might not be what God wants for you, and talking to Him about it.

That's another thing I've questioned lately--how something that is good might not be good for me at this time. In the story behind the song "Yearn", one of the Shanes talks about this exact thing, and it keeps resonating in my mind. I need to grope, long for Him--not just the things He brings and does and shows us, but for the Creator of those things.

And as I've just proven, I know what I need to to do. It's just a matter of understanding it fully, and applying it to my life.