My Current Conundrum

I originally said I wasn't going to post this, but as these feelings rush back in like an ocean wave, I don't know how else to express myself. Here goes...

The last time I felt this way was the summer of 2008.

For whatever reason, I made the decision to stay on campus after my junior year of college to be the summer RA (resident assistant). While I made some money, my social life was non-existant, which led to me spend those few months inside my dorm room and in the TV room watching anything and everything (mainly food shows, which made me jealous that I had nowhere to cook).

So when summer ended, I and the new group of RAs headed to Iowa to our training/leadership camp. And when I got there, I couldn't help but realize that everyone in that group had accomplished so much more than me.

A lot of them were dating, and some of them were engaged over the summer. And most of the ones who were single had taken on various, awesome opportunities to travel on mission trips or take on church internships at home--which I hadn't been to in over five months--or around the country.

And then there was me--boring, single, "I had accomplished nothing," me.

I felt hurt, small, and worthless, and I kept to myself and was quiet--I wasn't the loud, laughing self that many of these people knew me as over the past three years. Obviously, they caught wind of that, because when I came out of the restroom, the girls were all standing in a group, clapping and cheering for me. Was it a kind gesture? Why, yes. But to me, I hadn't done anything to deserve it, and it stung all the more.

Add to that the fact that my "living situation" over the week ended up being all sorts of messed up--I was the only student out of about 16 who had to change places in the middle of the week because our schedule didn't work with my host--and not only did I feel unaccomplished, I felt unwanted. The dean of women must have seen some sort of expression on my face, as she pulled me aside and asked me what was going on. I broke down and cried, relaying my inadequacies and lack of "success" over the summer. And in her typical fashion, she told me that everything was part of God's will, and there was some reason and purpose to everything.

And whether an event like this is cyclic or not, here I am, five years later and these types of feelings wash over me again.

I have to admit, its beginning is, to some extent, my fault. When I said yes to playing in a softball game, I did so in order for the team to exist. I knew I wasn't any good and I let my teammates know that I wasn't any good, but my understanding of being bad was masked by my desire to be good, instantly.

I was put in the spot that no one should ever really hit to, and I understood that. I didn't know what I was doing anyway, so that part didn't seem so bad. But when it came time to step up to the plate (literally), I wanted so much to take a swing for the fence.

I ended up striking out twice, getting on base because of a formality and the only ball I hit ended up in the glove of the third baseman.

To me, I had failed each time I was at bat and I was mad at myself. But when I think about it, I have to wonder if my anger was at the fact that I wasn't any good, or the fact that I had put myself in a situation to publicly humiliate myself.

To be quite honest, my self-esteem hasn't been the same since. (Yes, I've heard the argument made by some that there is no such thing as self-esteem because your esteem/worth should be based in Christ, but as someone who is emotionally-driven I do recognize self-esteem and its impact on a person).

So there I was, feeling bad about myself, but in a sick and twisted turn of events, it seemed as if everyone around me was seeing success in their lives. Whether it was the opportunity to travel or living--what I call-- "the ULTIMATE dream" of marriage and family, people were seeing growth in their lives, and I was not.

But that wasn't the worst of it. I began to look around, and what stared me in the face was favoritism and my shortcomings compared to another, and that...that was/is what I cannot take.

I don't have a full-time job, I don't have a car, I'm not pretty or looking thinner or have beautiful hair. And I, especially, am not the funny, sarcastic, outgoing person--I'm quite the opposite. But unfortunately, nowadays people have taken the word and trait "introvert" to mean "intensely rude".

I may not talk a lot, but that doesn't mean I have to be treated differently. On some occasions I've been not only a witness, but recently I have "fallen victim" to someone offering me a faint hello, only for that person to walk not even a yard further to the person next to me and exclaim their name and give a jovial greeting. I've never been a fan of favoritism as someone who examines it being played out, but to be the person it is inflicted on, anger mingled with hurt comes into play.

Or, when two people each offer something and the only "comment" I get is more of a criticism and the other person continually gets praise--right in front of me, that hurts.

In that same instance, I try to shake it off. But introverts can't compete against the nature of an outgoing person, in my experience. The loud person gets louder, people pay attention, and maybe I try to insert my two cents and expose my personality. But eventually, I revert back to a slight shyness, and when the extrovert is getting both attention and praise, I succumb to silence for the  rest of the night, neither to be heard and barely seen.

I try to justify my silence later on. Maybe I portrayed the qualities mentioned in all those books I've read by Christian women about being single and demonstrating those particular qualities wherever you go and in EVERY situation. But no, I later decide, it wasn't that. I just couldn't "compete".

So when I get questioned about how I acted or what I thought later on, and in anger I offer a completely honest answer about it, who I am gets questioned. Or when I want to go back to doing something I enjoyed, but the idea--once again--of being compared, unfavored, and "one-upped" is a possibility, I make the decision to not take part in the activity because I want separate myself, which leads to looks and comments of disbelief.

So I can't compete as an athlete, I can't compete in the world of relationships, and my life not only looks but simply is, plainly pathetic. People who I thought were my equals now involve themselves in activities and offer so much more compared to me, and the inadequacies and insecurities continually overwhelm me.

And I may come off as confident in person--although most people take my silence as arrogance--and crazy on social media, but I'm really not. Honestly, my self-esteem is shot on the inside.

But back to my 2008 summer. I don't know what happened, but that feeling snapped. I ended up spending time with my family before my last year of school began, and that semester ended up being the best one ever and probably included some of the best moments of my life (which almost led to me getting kicked out of Bible college).

But right now in my current situation, I can't see it. I don't know when the up-and-up will begin, as the other pathetic shoe has already dropped.

I hope in the back of my mind that it's coming soon enough, as most of these events have transpired for probably close to a month now. And I haven't expressed myself in this way probably ever, and especially most recently, because I try to keep it together--at the end of the day, I know that there are so many other people dealing with so much more than I am.

So yes, this is my current conundrum, and many people might offer the advice to just hope for the best or give it to God or pray about it. But in a moment of honesty, I have to say that doing so would be hard, because the last time I had an intense powwow with God...was about a month ago. Obviously and so far, nothing came out the way I wanted, and I wonder if another prayer would lead down to another possibility. Another possibility that wouldn't work out in my favor, leading me to yet another dark place of insecurity, and I just don't think I could handle any more.

Some might read this and get upset, some might have sympathy and some might not even care. But I'd rather be honest with myself now and get everything out, instead of trying to keep it bottled up inside. I've always been one to appreciate transparency, so why can't I follow my own advice and bare my soul? As a news writer, I have to be unbiased and straightforward--transparency is something that saved for my columns.

But this isn't the news and it's not one of my columns...it's my life.