Looking back...

So I've been spending alot of time lately thinking about me. It sounds selfish, but I do have a point. I went all the way back into my childhood and thought about every single thing I ever considered doing with my life. A nurse, country music singer (which lasted for about 10 years or more), a writer, an actress, a high school choir director and a children's ministry director. I guess I could go ahead and add a wife and a mother, because we all know those things aren't a guarantee in life.

Upon looking back, I began thinking about what happened...why I didn't pursue the dreams I once had. I wasn't a fan of blood, so I slowly lost that dream. Being a country music singer seemed way too out of reach. I remember being super jealous of LeAnn Rimes at that age, simply because she was living the dream that I couldn't. But then, I realized that money played a big factor into that dream, which we didn't have, so I had to let go. Then, when the dream resurfaced as an eighth grader, I knew that I wasn't much of a people person. How was I going to talk to my fans? So, another dream deferred.

The whole writer/actress thing emerged toward the end of high school for me. I was a worker in the counselor's office, which meant I didn't do a single thing. So, I started writing, and my initial dream was to become a writer and make movies out of what I wrote and be the leading lady. But, I'm not quite the Hollywood looking type, so it became more of a fantasy of another life than anything.

But also at the end of high school I began thinking about the high school choir director gig. I loved singing, I loved choral music, so it made sense to me to do what I loved. I even enrolled in college with a music education major. But the more I worked toward it, the more my true motives came out. I wanted to become a high school director, come back to my hometown and show everyone that I was better than what was offered at the school. As much as I did love music, I wanted to prove everyone wrong. Plus, I didn't really get music theory, and I didn't want to do field experience. If I didn't want to go into the classroom then, would I really want to go everyday for the rest of my life? My initial thoughts were "no".

I came back home, worked in Awana one Wednesday night, and as the new semester started, I changed majors from music to children's ministry. I liked the idea of teaching kids something more than school stuff, and it wouldn't be a Monday through Friday gig...just Sundays. I remember not being sure about the change, but my daily devo went along the lines of "get out of your comfort zone and if you think you should do something, do it", so I made the change.

Three years later, after a couple years of school, and almost one year of full time ministry work...here I am, and I find myself thinking about where I am. Burnout stares at me directly in the face and my high expectations keep shattering to the ground. What am I doing? Where am I going? I still love music--to pieces--and I've rediscovered my love for writing. Where does the line begin and end between doing what you truly love and pursuing dreams that are beyond yourself? I even find myself thinking "Should I be here today working as a nurse?" Maybe looking back to the past isn't the best thing to do, but from what I've seen, I've just made excuses for not doing anything or pursuing anything.

And I think it's time to change that.