winging it.

"We can just wing it," my friend/accompanist told me a while back when I asked him if he was ready to start practicing a song I wanted to sing at church.

"winging it".

i shudder at that sound.

it's my equivalent to nails on a chalkboard.

It's a phrase I had heard over and over again in the past few weeks, and in my perfectionistic mind, I had had enough of it. I'm the music geek who wants to practice every chance I get. I'm so particular that I have to practice twice during every rehearsal. If I'm not satisfied, I'll give it one more shot. If time is short, I'll practice once but even then I'm still irked and disappointed in myself.

This theory had been percolating in my mind, and it seemed like the right time to get it out. Why do I hate the idea of "winging it"?

Because to me, I feel like it's giving God what's left over of our busy lives and schedules.

It's like we have time to do other things--important or not, but when it comes to things that "matter", we give only a little bit of time to it. For me, only spending a little bit of time on a song tells God, "I can only give You a little bit right now."

My friend understood where I was coming from, but he explained that when it's all said and done, in the moment we're singing or taking part in whatever ministry it may be, we give God our all so that the glory goes back to Him. And I completely get that--if I practice over and over and over again, but when it's time to get on the platform and I only give God a half-hearted song, then all that practicing was done for nothing.

This particular conversation took place about a month ago, but for some reason, God keeps bringing this ugly concept of "winging it" back into my life over and over again. One Sunday, I was asked if I was ready to sing with the church ensemble. In an effort to be transparent I said no, and the response I got was "Just wing it." (My mind really hated hearing that.)

Fast track to yesterday, when I showed up early for church to work only 30 minutes on three songs I didn't know that would be sung an hour following that practice, and those hideous two words surfaced into the conversation.

Nope. I wasn't having it.

I didn't go into my theory (we didn't have time--we needed to practice!), but once again I was reassured that the only person who knows if I mess up is me, and that if I'm really singing for Jesus then all will be okay.

Because this "winging it" thing keeps coming up in my life, there's got to be a reason for it. God's trying to teach me something out of it...but I just don't know what. Yes, I'm SLOWLY learning to be flexible, but that's hard for me. I love my little box of order that's compartmentalized so that everything is neat and in place. I need my schedule. I need to know weeks, if not months, in advance what is going on so I can prepare myself. That's me...that's who I am...that's who I believe God made me to be.

Maybe, even though God knows what His perfect will is for my life, He wants me to "wing it" in my own life. Because while I have in mind the way I want "my life" to go (so funny when I pause to remember it's not my life but His), and pretty much everything I've planned hasn't come to pass, He wants me to throw the LifeGoal list out the window and just let things happen (and I'm REALLY attached to that list).

I'm just guessing what "winging it" is supposed to teach me, because I simply just. don't. know. Everything within me hates it, but a small part of me loves it....because it tells me, at the end of the day, God loves me enough to pull me out of my comfort zone and teach me something that will make me more like Him.